2008 Triathlon Times

Below are the 2008 Triathlon Times. Blue times are last year's results (the swim was 6 lengths shorter and the run was about a mile shorter).

1. Craig Orgill (1:07:02) *
2. Bob Johns (1:13:03) (1:10:39)
3. Ritchie Blake (1:13:47) (1:25:28)
4. Kaz Augustus (1:14:24) (1:12:08)
5. Brad Ward (1:14:27) *
6. Jim Rose (1:17:23)
7. Beau Mccraney (1:20:47) (1:10:39)
8. Morgan Cubete (1:21:53) *
9. Bishop Johnson (1:23:33) (1:18:44)
10. Jared Baker (1:24:11)
11. Team Lost (1:24:23)
12. Mindy Stewart (1:24:30) *
13. Lynn Orgill (1:25:04)
14. Brett Greathouse (1:26:02) (1:26:08)
15. Amber Pitt (1:26:10) (1:55:22)
16. Fernando Costa (1:26:11)
17. Michael Richardson (1:26:49) (2:00:12)
18. Andrew Richardson (1:26:49) (1:21:47)
19. Brett Stewart (1:26:36)
20. Shandra Blake (1:27:20) (1:34:37)
21. Erin Hudson (1:28:36)
22. Amber Baltzer (1:29:38)
23. Eric Lawrence (1:30:15)
24. Tad Baltzer (1:32:55)
25. Paul Hafen (1:33:27) (1:35:58)
26. Jeff Timmrerman (1:34:02)
27. Ashton Harward (1:34:55)
28. Aaron Quist (1:36:12) (1:34:56)
29. Chase Edwards (1:36:49) *
30. Julie Merrill (1:36:51)
31. Jeff Bradshaw (1:37:12)
32. Jillyn Huffmire (1:37:34) (1:38:59)
33. Marilee Ziebarth (1:38:41) *
34. Corey Farr (1:39:00)
35. Summer Orgill (1:39:18)
36. Tori Shintaku (1:39:43)
37. Erin Kendrick (1:40:19)
38. Gabby Johnson (1:41:42)
39. Leanne King (1:42:58)
40. Randy Kendrick (1:43:13)
41. Rebecca Quist (1:44:25)
42. Gina Orgill (1:44:57)
43. Sharie Mccraney (1:45:47) (1:59:22)
44. Ken Farr (1:46:43)
45. Heidi Peters (1:48:02)
46. John Peters (1:48:06)
47. Allyson Johns (1:49:46)
48. Amber Sim (1:51:11)
49. Sarah Johns (1:52:39)
50. Ashley Augustus (1:52:42)
51. Simone Costa (1:53:05)
52. Jd Macwille (1:53:32)
53. Joseph Favreau (1:53:38)
54. Ryan Peffers (1:53:44)
55. Elizabeth Miller (1:54:15) (1:38:00)
56. Logan Hafen (1:54:49)
57. Maddy Johnson (1:55:32)
58. Curt Huffmire (1:56:00) (1:44:04)
59. Jeff Farr (1:56:41) (1:22:42)
60. Emilie Hafen (2:02:06)
61. Hanna Shipway (2:03:07)
62. Amanda Bell (2:03:19)
63. Doug Shipway (2:04:00)
64. Tyler Bell (2:04:02)
65. Dean Michael (2:04:37)
66. Team Augustus (2:07:15)
67. Cassie Harward (2:07:27) (1:56:20)
68. Melissa Richardson (2:14:00)
69. Team Bell (2:14:00)
70. Bill Wettengel (2:15:03)
71. Bruce Richardson (2:16:22) (2:00:11)
72. Gary Christensen (2:20:50)
73. Adam Bunker (2:22:33)
74. Kristin Bunker (2:22:35)
75. Erica Wilker (2:28:07) (1:59:28)
76. Carl Wilker (2:28:08)
77. Rebecca Richardson (2:30:13)
78. Ginny Richardson (2:33:08)
79. John Ziebarth (2:33:08)
80. Georgia Sabovich (2:44:05)
81. Allyson Huffmire (2:49:10)
82. Katelyn Huffmire (3:17:08)
83. Kellian Farr (3:17:08)


* Heat Winners

Alarming Training Regimes Exposed

It has come to our attention that some competitors are not adequately training for the FV3 Annual Triathlon. One such "athlete" is Curtis Huffmire, who began training twelve hours ago for Monday's event. Members of the FV3 Triathlon Health & Safety Squad (FV3TH&SS) met with Curtis Huffmire and were strongly refuted with the following "evidence".

Curtis, a lawyer by trade, produced a photograph of himself at 5 1/2 months of age in a swimming pool with his father (inset right). He claimed this clearly proves that all of the swim training he's ever needed, he obtained in his infancy. Most of the squad members were too shocked by the risque nature of the photograph to put up much of an argument. Although several of our female members found time to note that Curt's father certainly was a "handsome devil".



We were then shown a second photo of Curtis Huffmire as a paper boy for the Register (inset left). Again, Curt's claim is that all of the cycling experience he would ever require was obtained by the time he was a youth. He did not, however, have an explanation for the haircut, or the tight, tight jeans.

Curt then made his closing arguments with the aid of two photographs of himself as a High School athlete (inset below, left and right), claiming that all of the cardiovascular training required for running a 5K, he had obtained by the time he graduated. Some members of the Safety Squad questioned the validity of the Football picture, since the helmet obscures the face, and therefore the true identity of the athlete. But the "Eye of the Tiger" that is clearly evident in Curt's expression in the second photo, along with the fact that he can palm a volleyball, proved very persuasive. As one squad member noted, "It looks like he just ate me for lunch. And he liked it."




Curtis Huffmire then showed us the following picture of himself holding a ski (inset below right). We're still not exactley sure why...

In conclusion, we have determined that although we find Curtis Huffmire's Training Philosophies questionable at best, and "fool-hearty" at worst, he has done nothing to violate the Health & Safety Standards of the FV3 Triathlon Health & Safety Squad, and will be allowed to compete on T-day. It should be duly noted, however, that if Curtis Huffmire attempts to swim in the same "attire" he wore as an infant, he will be immediately disqualified and hastily escorted from the pool area.

To Curtis Huffmire, and all who adopt similar training strategies, good luck...you'll need it.

2008 Swim Heats

Below are the final heat assignments for the swim. We are borrowing a community pool for the swim so please arrive for your heat so we can finish with the pool as soon as possible.

Plan to arrive 30 minutes before your heat (15 minutes for those in the first heat) to allow time to check in and sign the Release Agreement (Parents need to sign the Release for kids under 18).

Please note that the transition from swimming to biking will happen outside of the pool (leaving the pool area free for swimmers of the next heat to get ready). Bikes should be parked along the sidewalk area; after your swim is complete you will leave the swimming pool area to dry and start the bike along the sidewalk.



Heat 1
Start Time: 6:30am
Lane Name
1 Bishop Johnson
Bill Wettengel
Rebecca Richardson

2 Bruce Richardson
Ginny Richardson
Rebecca Quist

3 John Ziebarth
MariLee Ziebarth
Melissa Richardson

4 Allyson Huffmire
Katelyn Huffmire
Curt Huffmire

5 Alexandra Arnold
Logan Hafen
Emilie Hafen

6 Maddy Johnson
Gabby Johnson
Ashley Augustus

7 Sarah Johns
Allyson Johns
Amanda Bell

Heat 2
Start Time: 7:0am
Lane Name
1 Jim Rose
Paul Hafen

2 Steven Knowles
Erin Hudson

3 Adam Bunker
Kristin Bunker
Martha Michael

4 Ellen Michael
Hillary Michael
Dean Michael

5 Doug Shipway
Hanna Shipway
Alyssa Augustus

6 Tony Miller
Cassie Harward
Elizabeth Miller

7 Brad Ward
Jared Baker

Heat 3
Start Time: 7:30am
Lane Name
1 Brett Stewart
Mindy Stewart

2 Amber Pitt
Jillyn Huffmire

3 Simone Costa
Sharie McCraney

4 Julie Merrill
Tori Shintaku

5 Erica Wilker
Barbara Tarayao

6 Shandra Blake
Amber Sim

7 Amber Baltzer
Heidi Peters

Heat 4
Start Time: 7:50-8:00am
Lane Name
1 Beau McCraney
Michael Richardson

2 Mal Richardson


3 Ritchie Blake
Eric Lawrence

4 Andrew Richardson
Fernando Costa

5 Kaz Augustus
Aaron Quist

6 Craig Orgill
Lynn Orgill

7 Tadd Baltzer
Bob Johns

Heat 5
Start Time: 8:10-8:20am
Lane Name
1 Jeff Bradshaw
Morgan Cubete

2 Erin Kendrick
Randy Kendrick

3 Jeff Timmerman
Brett Greathouse

4 Summer Orgill
Gina Orgill

5 John Peters
Aaron Wilcox

6 Kent Howe
Jeff Farr

7 Tyler Bell
Ryan Bell

Kaz Augustus: A Study in the Art of Self-Control.

As far as competitors go, there are several varieties. The flashy, in-your-face types. The steady warriors, who don't say much as they swiftly pass by you on race day. And then there are the Kaz Augustus's of the world. Similar to the terrifying "East Wind" of Biblical fame, this kind of tri-athlete appears with no warning, decimating all in his path. In an effort to save the egos, the athletic equipment, and possibly the small children of any and all competitors, the FV3 Triathlon Historical Committee has published the following Player Profile on Kazuto Higo Augustus...

Kazuto Higo Augustus, came into this world innocently enough on March 28th, 1971...and then promptly kicked it in the face. A "difficult" child, as described by the Nuns at Sacred Heart Montessori, Kaz seemed intent on leaving his mark on all who dared to cross him. Greta Powalski, a 99 year-old-nun recalls her experience with the extraordinary boy, "We took him in thinking we could do him some good. I mean, he'd already been kicked out of three or four Military Schools, what did we have to lose? That kid just never backed down from a fight, and with a name like 'Kaz' he had his share of playground bullies. I've lived on three different continents, seen drought, plague, and famine...but I've never to this day seen anything like that boy."

With the onset of puberty, Kaz experienced a fresh surge of aggression and was kicked out of Sacred Heart to fend for himself on the long, lonely streets of Nevada. At the tender age of thirteen Kaz discovered that he could profit by his special brand of brutality, when he met Steamy McGee, a promoter in the underground world of Street Fighting. Kaz quickly became known for his lightning reflexes, his ability to fight twenty to thirty opponents at one time, and his dazzling smile. As the money rolled in and his fame grew, he began to give in to the recklessness of youth. He took up dangerous hobbies like sky-diving, bear wrestling, and wearing flashy shirts in the daytime. Before he knew it, his life was spinning out of control.

His trips to the emergency room became more and more frequent. Not for any injuries he had sustained, but to visit fallen opponents and deliver messages like, "When I say 'Stay Down', I mean it." On one such visit, he met a woman whom he later would describe as his "Angel of Mercy". This "Angel", known simply as "Shelly", was reading storybooks to the patients of the Pediatric Ward when Kaz happened by. He was struck by her beauty, as well as her gentle manner. He quickly introduced himself and asked her out, but the beginning of this life-changing relationship was not all bliss.

Shelly summarizes that time period with the following thoughts, "He seemed to have a sweetness about him, just buried very, very, very deep. I liked him a lot, but there were so many disturbing incidents. Like the time we were told that our table had been given away at a very popular restaurant. I just didn't think crushing that man's Adam's apple was helpful, or appropriate."

With Shelly's encouragement, Kaz came to realize that he had a problem. He moved to Northern California to escape his street fighting ties, enrolled himself in therapy, and was asked to try channeling his "emotions" into non-contact sports. Kaz took up Beach Volleyball and found great success on the semi-pro circuit. Most of this success was due to the fact that Kaz could repeatedly spike the ball directly at the opposing team, until they were too bruised, or demoralized to continue. Shelly realized that things were not going well. She dropped him, and he dropped therapy.

These were dark days for Kazuto Augustus. Heartbroken, he didn't leave his apartment for months. Barely sleeping, he survived off of bad take-out, and re-runs of "Who's the Boss?". One afternoon he discovered an injured kitten on his doorstep. "Snowball", as he would later come to call the cat, opened up a tunnel of light for the broken ex-streetfighter, ex-Semi-Pro Beach Volleyball Player, ex-boyfriend of Shelly. As Kaz nursed the kitten back to full strength he realized that it was extremely satisfying to help, rather than destroy. He emerged from his apartment three weeks later as a changed man. He was now a healer. He immediately enrolled himself in Medical School. When asked how it was possible for Kaz to attend their school without any formal education past the age of thirteen, the Dean of said college replied with a stricken look, "Well...he asked...and we said okay. He was extremely persuasive."

Renewed in spirit, Kaz quickly re-connected with Shelly and eventually persuaded her to be his wife. He also determined that Podiatry would be his field of specialty. When asked why, he responded "Maybe to atone for all of the feet I've broken over the years. But maybe also as a constant reminder to myself that feet should be used primarily for walking, running, and jumping. Not for delivering debilitating blows to the head, chest, or groin."

Kaz Augustus is now a happy, mild-mannered husband, father, and Podiatrist. One would never suspect the dark path that has led him here. He admits that he still does battle with his inner demons from time to time, but participating in activities like the FV3 Annual Triathlon have helped him channel his aggression in appropriate ways. He notes, with a smile, "I mean, it's not like you can throw your bike at the other guys, you know? Or at least I've never tried that." To Kaz Augustus, and all who will share the competitive field with him on T-day, our prayers are with you.

Counterfeit Heat Change Requests

Correction to Original Post:
The FV3 Fraud Reporting Unit offers the following statement:

We offer Brett Stewart and his family a sincere apology for the original post. Far from thinking that no self-respecting man would make such a request, we believe that only the most self-respecting man would do so. And we salute Brett for his self-respect.

Original Post:
The FV3 Fraud Reporting Unit offers the following statement:

As T-Day nears, competition's ugly side is coming to light. Recently discovered evidence shows that someone hacked into Brett Stewart's personal email and sent a request for an earlier swim heat.

Luckily we noticed the request was to place him in the Heat #3, or "The Ladies Heat". Knowing that no self-respecting man would make such a request, the fraud was discovered and promptly ignored.

Bob Johns: The Two-Syllabic Mountain

Standing front and center in this year's expected winners is Bob Johns: last year's men's co-winner. The FV3 Triathlon Historical Committee has published the following Player Profile on Bob...

Born in an urban desert and raised in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains, Bob Johns' style combines southern California glamor with Utah's subdued intensity. Bob often states that he is, "a portion of all I have met" and that it just so happens that he's met a lot of incredibly talented and attractive people.

Our story begins in a Sandy, UT with a shy boy and a project for Mr. Klell's history class. He learned about Teddy Roosevelt, the sickly boy who grew into a rough rider and an American President. The light of life shone brighter and Bob decided then and there that things were going to change. No longer would he be his sister's hair and makeup "dummy", no matter what they did to him. In fact, he vowed to someday lose all his hair rather than sit through another perm.

He convinced 7 close friends to leave a mark on the world with the nation's first High School octfecta: State Championships in Swimming, Cycling, Track, Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf, Rugby and Wrestling. There were no "Gold Gym's" in those days so they tied a rope to an old piano and pulled it through empty lots.

His dad, who had been watching the struggle for some time, recognized this as Bob's moment. He took Bob to Sconecutter and told him about Teddy Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena"; that it was the pursuit of achievement that gave man life.

The fire was reborn and Bob decided to focus all his efforts on Track & Field, scholastics, and spiritual growth. No more worrying about being something he wasn't, about accomplishing something just for the world to see. It was time to focus.

Track & Field: The years of squat thrusts and piano pulls had made him more comfortable running while pulling large amounts of weight. As UHSAA rules clearly stated that a runner could not pull large objects during competition, Bob was at a disadvantage. Running w/o the extra weight actually caused him to fall over backwards as his legs outran his body. The solution was found with some rebar and a welder. With them, his father fashioned a pair of eye glasses that matched the piano's weight. And Bob, never looking back, won many events and received numerous scholarship offers.

Scholastics: He became a regular on the National Honor Society's school list and was also included in the "Who's Who" of National Highschool Achievers. As the headline from Hillcrest High's Green Sheet shows, Bob balanced books and sports.

Spiritual Growth: After high school Bob submitted his papers to serve a church mission and was called to Japan. He jumped in with both feet and was an outstanding teacher. At least that's the word on the street. Unfortunately, the only photographs of Bob from that time period simply show him striking poses, or dancing around his apartment in strange apparel with Christian Jacobs. When asked about this recently, Christian Jacobs responded, "What's the big deal? Some people actually earn a living jumping around in funny costumes." But Christian did more than help Bob Johns explore a budding interest in performance art, he offered him this piece of invaluable advice. "Bob, go out and live your dream, man. No matter how hard people may laugh at you...And by the way, they may laugh a little less if you lost the crazy glasses."

When Bob "returned with honor", he took Elder Jacobs advice, re-training his body and his mind to run without the "crutch" of his youth. Local colleges and universities took notice and he once again received a number of scholarship offers. The most "lucrative" being to the University of Utah which, due to his moral standards and highly refined mind, he quickly turned down. He decided instead to go to BYU without a scholarship and walk on to the track team. When asked about this decision he replied, "Well I wanted to graduate with a 4-year degree and, to be honest, I grew up thinking the University of Utah was a 2-year school. Besides that, I'd rather run for free at The Y than get paid to do so at 'The U'."

At BYU he walked on to the track team and became a "Harrier". He knew that he had reached the collegiate high life when he got his first pair of warm ups.

Shortly thereafter, he met, and subsequently woo-ed his wife Kristin (who most people will readily admit is way out of his league). It should be noted, however, that when she first saw him, Bob was actually wearing the team warm ups and Kristin only had a view of him from the back. When asked about this, Kristin admitted that although she was initially swayed by the magical powers of the collegiate warm ups, it was Bob's dedication to Track & Field, scholastics, and spiritual growth that really sealed the deal. With Kristin by his side, the possibilities seemed endless, and life was full of wonder. An attitude that Bob continues to adopt

to this day.

And thus, we salute you, Bob Johns. You are one heck of a man, and one heck of a competitor. May your life, and dedication to athletic excellence continue to be an inspiration to us all.

Triathlon Quotables

Below are a few recent quotes gathered from FV3 Triathlon Participants:

"No, you can't sit on my handle bars"
- Mindy Stewart (to her husband during a FV3 Triathlon "training" session)

"Our dad swims faster than your dad."
- McCraney kids (speaking to the Jacobs children)

"Ya? Well our mom swims faster than your dad."
- Jacobs kids (responding to the McCraney children)

"Daddy, why is mommy swimming with the ruddies instead of coming to the movies with us?"
- Kai Shintaku

"Alfred Tennyson was right... we, as people, are a part of everyone we have met. It just so happens that I've met many, many extremely talented, intelligent and beautiful people."
- Bob Johns (during FV3 Triathlon Player Profile Interview)

The Ruddy Report

Be it known to one and all...

1. Maddy Johnson has beaten Bishop Johnson's time in the pool (we expect the same of Gabby, Jessie and Hyrum)
   
2. Jillyn Huffmire and Mindy Stewart are long-term members of a spin class
3. Bob Johns does not plan to wait for Beau this year
4. Beau McCraney will be so far ahead of Bob this year, Bob won't have a chance to wait
5. Tori Shintaku's bruised ego and sore hand will be healed in time for T-Day
   

As more information is gleaned there will be more to come.

2008 Likelihoods

The FV3 Actuarial Team has published the following items with percentage likelihoods:

Two men will hold hands to cross the finish line as "co-winners"

• 12.7%

Bob "I could have won alone if i wanted to" Johns will resort to manscaping

• 13.0%

Shanna "Surf my Wake" Jacobs will win the swim leg

• 92.4%

Brett "Mammy Loves Short'nin Bread" Stewart's high school swim will return to surprise the leading male competitors

• 50.4%

Mindy "I Breath, I Win" Stewart will punch a fellow contestant

• 78.9%

Kaz "Stretchy Pants" Augustus will buy a new bike after losing to bike leg to Ritchie "yes this is a Cervelo" Blake.

• 83.4%

Team Ruddy will allow Julie Merrill to return after she crushes other Ruddies in the triathlon

• 31.1%

Tad "Call me Hercules" Baltzer will wear strechy pants

• 93.4%

Team Richardson will outnumber all other competitors combined

• 64.7%

Bishop "This is participative, not competitive" Johnson will be defeated by his daughter, Maddy "Ya, I'll probably let him win" Johnson.

• 98.3%

Kent "Do I have to lose to my Boss?" Howe will lose to his boss.

• 103.4%

Paul "Plaid is the new Black" Hafen will promote Kent Howe for no apparent reason.

• 68.0%

Randy "I'll do it myself this year" Kendrick will do it himself.

• 45.7%