Saturday Surf

Saturday Surf

August 30, 2008

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2008 Triathlon Times

Below are the 2008 Triathlon Times. Blue times are last year's results (the swim was 6 lengths shorter and the run was about a mile shorter).

1. Craig Orgill (1:07:02) *
2. Bob Johns (1:13:03) (1:10:39)
3. Ritchie Blake (1:13:47) (1:25:28)
4. Kaz Augustus (1:14:24) (1:12:08)
5. Brad Ward (1:14:27) *
6. Jim Rose (1:17:23)
7. Beau Mccraney (1:20:47) (1:10:39)
8. Morgan Cubete (1:21:53) *
9. Bishop Johnson (1:23:33) (1:18:44)
10. Jared Baker (1:24:11)
11. Team Lost (1:24:23)
12. Mindy Stewart (1:24:30) *
13. Lynn Orgill (1:25:04)
14. Brett Greathouse (1:26:02) (1:26:08)
15. Amber Pitt (1:26:10) (1:55:22)
16. Fernando Costa (1:26:11)
17. Michael Richardson (1:26:49) (2:00:12)
18. Andrew Richardson (1:26:49) (1:21:47)
19. Brett Stewart (1:26:36)
20. Shandra Blake (1:27:20) (1:34:37)
21. Erin Hudson (1:28:36)
22. Amber Baltzer (1:29:38)
23. Eric Lawrence (1:30:15)
24. Tad Baltzer (1:32:55)
25. Paul Hafen (1:33:27) (1:35:58)
26. Jeff Timmrerman (1:34:02)
27. Ashton Harward (1:34:55)
28. Aaron Quist (1:36:12) (1:34:56)
29. Chase Edwards (1:36:49) *
30. Julie Merrill (1:36:51)
31. Jeff Bradshaw (1:37:12)
32. Jillyn Huffmire (1:37:34) (1:38:59)
33. Marilee Ziebarth (1:38:41) *
34. Corey Farr (1:39:00)
35. Summer Orgill (1:39:18)
36. Tori Shintaku (1:39:43)
37. Erin Kendrick (1:40:19)
38. Gabby Johnson (1:41:42)
39. Leanne King (1:42:58)
40. Randy Kendrick (1:43:13)
41. Rebecca Quist (1:44:25)
42. Gina Orgill (1:44:57)
43. Sharie Mccraney (1:45:47) (1:59:22)
44. Ken Farr (1:46:43)
45. Heidi Peters (1:48:02)
46. John Peters (1:48:06)
47. Allyson Johns (1:49:46)
48. Amber Sim (1:51:11)
49. Sarah Johns (1:52:39)
50. Ashley Augustus (1:52:42)
51. Simone Costa (1:53:05)
52. Jd Macwille (1:53:32)
53. Joseph Favreau (1:53:38)
54. Ryan Peffers (1:53:44)
55. Elizabeth Miller (1:54:15) (1:38:00)
56. Logan Hafen (1:54:49)
57. Maddy Johnson (1:55:32)
58. Curt Huffmire (1:56:00) (1:44:04)
59. Jeff Farr (1:56:41) (1:22:42)
60. Emilie Hafen (2:02:06)
61. Hanna Shipway (2:03:07)
62. Amanda Bell (2:03:19)
63. Doug Shipway (2:04:00)
64. Tyler Bell (2:04:02)
65. Dean Michael (2:04:37)
66. Team Augustus (2:07:15)
67. Cassie Harward (2:07:27) (1:56:20)
68. Melissa Richardson (2:14:00)
69. Team Bell (2:14:00)
70. Bill Wettengel (2:15:03)
71. Bruce Richardson (2:16:22) (2:00:11)
72. Gary Christensen (2:20:50)
73. Adam Bunker (2:22:33)
74. Kristin Bunker (2:22:35)
75. Erica Wilker (2:28:07) (1:59:28)
76. Carl Wilker (2:28:08)
77. Rebecca Richardson (2:30:13)
78. Ginny Richardson (2:33:08)
79. John Ziebarth (2:33:08)
80. Georgia Sabovich (2:44:05)
81. Allyson Huffmire (2:49:10)
82. Katelyn Huffmire (3:17:08)
83. Kellian Farr (3:17:08)


* Heat Winners

Alarming Training Regimes Exposed

It has come to our attention that some competitors are not adequately training for the FV3 Annual Triathlon. One such "athlete" is Curtis Huffmire, who began training twelve hours ago for Monday's event. Members of the FV3 Triathlon Health & Safety Squad (FV3TH&SS) met with Curtis Huffmire and were strongly refuted with the following "evidence".

Curtis, a lawyer by trade, produced a photograph of himself at 5 1/2 months of age in a swimming pool with his father (inset right). He claimed this clearly proves that all of the swim training he's ever needed, he obtained in his infancy. Most of the squad members were too shocked by the risque nature of the photograph to put up much of an argument. Although several of our female members found time to note that Curt's father certainly was a "handsome devil".



We were then shown a second photo of Curtis Huffmire as a paper boy for the Register (inset left). Again, Curt's claim is that all of the cycling experience he would ever require was obtained by the time he was a youth. He did not, however, have an explanation for the haircut, or the tight, tight jeans.

Curt then made his closing arguments with the aid of two photographs of himself as a High School athlete (inset below, left and right), claiming that all of the cardiovascular training required for running a 5K, he had obtained by the time he graduated. Some members of the Safety Squad questioned the validity of the Football picture, since the helmet obscures the face, and therefore the true identity of the athlete. But the "Eye of the Tiger" that is clearly evident in Curt's expression in the second photo, along with the fact that he can palm a volleyball, proved very persuasive. As one squad member noted, "It looks like he just ate me for lunch. And he liked it."




Curtis Huffmire then showed us the following picture of himself holding a ski (inset below right). We're still not exactley sure why...

In conclusion, we have determined that although we find Curtis Huffmire's Training Philosophies questionable at best, and "fool-hearty" at worst, he has done nothing to violate the Health & Safety Standards of the FV3 Triathlon Health & Safety Squad, and will be allowed to compete on T-day. It should be duly noted, however, that if Curtis Huffmire attempts to swim in the same "attire" he wore as an infant, he will be immediately disqualified and hastily escorted from the pool area.

To Curtis Huffmire, and all who adopt similar training strategies, good luck...you'll need it.

2008 Swim Heats

Below are the final heat assignments for the swim. We are borrowing a community pool for the swim so please arrive for your heat so we can finish with the pool as soon as possible.

Plan to arrive 30 minutes before your heat (15 minutes for those in the first heat) to allow time to check in and sign the Release Agreement (Parents need to sign the Release for kids under 18).

Please note that the transition from swimming to biking will happen outside of the pool (leaving the pool area free for swimmers of the next heat to get ready). Bikes should be parked along the sidewalk area; after your swim is complete you will leave the swimming pool area to dry and start the bike along the sidewalk.



Heat 1
Start Time: 6:30am
Lane Name
1 Bishop Johnson
Bill Wettengel
Rebecca Richardson

2 Bruce Richardson
Ginny Richardson
Rebecca Quist

3 John Ziebarth
MariLee Ziebarth
Melissa Richardson

4 Allyson Huffmire
Katelyn Huffmire
Curt Huffmire

5 Alexandra Arnold
Logan Hafen
Emilie Hafen

6 Maddy Johnson
Gabby Johnson
Ashley Augustus

7 Sarah Johns
Allyson Johns
Amanda Bell

Heat 2
Start Time: 7:0am
Lane Name
1 Jim Rose
Paul Hafen

2 Steven Knowles
Erin Hudson

3 Adam Bunker
Kristin Bunker
Martha Michael

4 Ellen Michael
Hillary Michael
Dean Michael

5 Doug Shipway
Hanna Shipway
Alyssa Augustus

6 Tony Miller
Cassie Harward
Elizabeth Miller

7 Brad Ward
Jared Baker

Heat 3
Start Time: 7:30am
Lane Name
1 Brett Stewart
Mindy Stewart

2 Amber Pitt
Jillyn Huffmire

3 Simone Costa
Sharie McCraney

4 Julie Merrill
Tori Shintaku

5 Erica Wilker
Barbara Tarayao

6 Shandra Blake
Amber Sim

7 Amber Baltzer
Heidi Peters

Heat 4
Start Time: 7:50-8:00am
Lane Name
1 Beau McCraney
Michael Richardson

2 Mal Richardson


3 Ritchie Blake
Eric Lawrence

4 Andrew Richardson
Fernando Costa

5 Kaz Augustus
Aaron Quist

6 Craig Orgill
Lynn Orgill

7 Tadd Baltzer
Bob Johns

Heat 5
Start Time: 8:10-8:20am
Lane Name
1 Jeff Bradshaw
Morgan Cubete

2 Erin Kendrick
Randy Kendrick

3 Jeff Timmerman
Brett Greathouse

4 Summer Orgill
Gina Orgill

5 John Peters
Aaron Wilcox

6 Kent Howe
Jeff Farr

7 Tyler Bell
Ryan Bell

Kaz Augustus: A Study in the Art of Self-Control.

As far as competitors go, there are several varieties. The flashy, in-your-face types. The steady warriors, who don't say much as they swiftly pass by you on race day. And then there are the Kaz Augustus's of the world. Similar to the terrifying "East Wind" of Biblical fame, this kind of tri-athlete appears with no warning, decimating all in his path. In an effort to save the egos, the athletic equipment, and possibly the small children of any and all competitors, the FV3 Triathlon Historical Committee has published the following Player Profile on Kazuto Higo Augustus...

Kazuto Higo Augustus, came into this world innocently enough on March 28th, 1971...and then promptly kicked it in the face. A "difficult" child, as described by the Nuns at Sacred Heart Montessori, Kaz seemed intent on leaving his mark on all who dared to cross him. Greta Powalski, a 99 year-old-nun recalls her experience with the extraordinary boy, "We took him in thinking we could do him some good. I mean, he'd already been kicked out of three or four Military Schools, what did we have to lose? That kid just never backed down from a fight, and with a name like 'Kaz' he had his share of playground bullies. I've lived on three different continents, seen drought, plague, and famine...but I've never to this day seen anything like that boy."

With the onset of puberty, Kaz experienced a fresh surge of aggression and was kicked out of Sacred Heart to fend for himself on the long, lonely streets of Nevada. At the tender age of thirteen Kaz discovered that he could profit by his special brand of brutality, when he met Steamy McGee, a promoter in the underground world of Street Fighting. Kaz quickly became known for his lightning reflexes, his ability to fight twenty to thirty opponents at one time, and his dazzling smile. As the money rolled in and his fame grew, he began to give in to the recklessness of youth. He took up dangerous hobbies like sky-diving, bear wrestling, and wearing flashy shirts in the daytime. Before he knew it, his life was spinning out of control.

His trips to the emergency room became more and more frequent. Not for any injuries he had sustained, but to visit fallen opponents and deliver messages like, "When I say 'Stay Down', I mean it." On one such visit, he met a woman whom he later would describe as his "Angel of Mercy". This "Angel", known simply as "Shelly", was reading storybooks to the patients of the Pediatric Ward when Kaz happened by. He was struck by her beauty, as well as her gentle manner. He quickly introduced himself and asked her out, but the beginning of this life-changing relationship was not all bliss.

Shelly summarizes that time period with the following thoughts, "He seemed to have a sweetness about him, just buried very, very, very deep. I liked him a lot, but there were so many disturbing incidents. Like the time we were told that our table had been given away at a very popular restaurant. I just didn't think crushing that man's Adam's apple was helpful, or appropriate."

With Shelly's encouragement, Kaz came to realize that he had a problem. He moved to Northern California to escape his street fighting ties, enrolled himself in therapy, and was asked to try channeling his "emotions" into non-contact sports. Kaz took up Beach Volleyball and found great success on the semi-pro circuit. Most of this success was due to the fact that Kaz could repeatedly spike the ball directly at the opposing team, until they were too bruised, or demoralized to continue. Shelly realized that things were not going well. She dropped him, and he dropped therapy.

These were dark days for Kazuto Augustus. Heartbroken, he didn't leave his apartment for months. Barely sleeping, he survived off of bad take-out, and re-runs of "Who's the Boss?". One afternoon he discovered an injured kitten on his doorstep. "Snowball", as he would later come to call the cat, opened up a tunnel of light for the broken ex-streetfighter, ex-Semi-Pro Beach Volleyball Player, ex-boyfriend of Shelly. As Kaz nursed the kitten back to full strength he realized that it was extremely satisfying to help, rather than destroy. He emerged from his apartment three weeks later as a changed man. He was now a healer. He immediately enrolled himself in Medical School. When asked how it was possible for Kaz to attend their school without any formal education past the age of thirteen, the Dean of said college replied with a stricken look, "Well...he asked...and we said okay. He was extremely persuasive."

Renewed in spirit, Kaz quickly re-connected with Shelly and eventually persuaded her to be his wife. He also determined that Podiatry would be his field of specialty. When asked why, he responded "Maybe to atone for all of the feet I've broken over the years. But maybe also as a constant reminder to myself that feet should be used primarily for walking, running, and jumping. Not for delivering debilitating blows to the head, chest, or groin."

Kaz Augustus is now a happy, mild-mannered husband, father, and Podiatrist. One would never suspect the dark path that has led him here. He admits that he still does battle with his inner demons from time to time, but participating in activities like the FV3 Annual Triathlon have helped him channel his aggression in appropriate ways. He notes, with a smile, "I mean, it's not like you can throw your bike at the other guys, you know? Or at least I've never tried that." To Kaz Augustus, and all who will share the competitive field with him on T-day, our prayers are with you.

Counterfeit Heat Change Requests

Correction to Original Post:
The FV3 Fraud Reporting Unit offers the following statement:

We offer Brett Stewart and his family a sincere apology for the original post. Far from thinking that no self-respecting man would make such a request, we believe that only the most self-respecting man would do so. And we salute Brett for his self-respect.

Original Post:
The FV3 Fraud Reporting Unit offers the following statement:

As T-Day nears, competition's ugly side is coming to light. Recently discovered evidence shows that someone hacked into Brett Stewart's personal email and sent a request for an earlier swim heat.

Luckily we noticed the request was to place him in the Heat #3, or "The Ladies Heat". Knowing that no self-respecting man would make such a request, the fraud was discovered and promptly ignored.

Bob Johns: The Two-Syllabic Mountain

Standing front and center in this year's expected winners is Bob Johns: last year's men's co-winner. The FV3 Triathlon Historical Committee has published the following Player Profile on Bob...

Born in an urban desert and raised in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains, Bob Johns' style combines southern California glamor with Utah's subdued intensity. Bob often states that he is, "a portion of all I have met" and that it just so happens that he's met a lot of incredibly talented and attractive people.

Our story begins in a Sandy, UT with a shy boy and a project for Mr. Klell's history class. He learned about Teddy Roosevelt, the sickly boy who grew into a rough rider and an American President. The light of life shone brighter and Bob decided then and there that things were going to change. No longer would he be his sister's hair and makeup "dummy", no matter what they did to him. In fact, he vowed to someday lose all his hair rather than sit through another perm.

He convinced 7 close friends to leave a mark on the world with the nation's first High School octfecta: State Championships in Swimming, Cycling, Track, Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf, Rugby and Wrestling. There were no "Gold Gym's" in those days so they tied a rope to an old piano and pulled it through empty lots.

His dad, who had been watching the struggle for some time, recognized this as Bob's moment. He took Bob to Sconecutter and told him about Teddy Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena"; that it was the pursuit of achievement that gave man life.

The fire was reborn and Bob decided to focus all his efforts on Track & Field, scholastics, and spiritual growth. No more worrying about being something he wasn't, about accomplishing something just for the world to see. It was time to focus.

Track & Field: The years of squat thrusts and piano pulls had made him more comfortable running while pulling large amounts of weight. As UHSAA rules clearly stated that a runner could not pull large objects during competition, Bob was at a disadvantage. Running w/o the extra weight actually caused him to fall over backwards as his legs outran his body. The solution was found with some rebar and a welder. With them, his father fashioned a pair of eye glasses that matched the piano's weight. And Bob, never looking back, won many events and received numerous scholarship offers.

Scholastics: He became a regular on the National Honor Society's school list and was also included in the "Who's Who" of National Highschool Achievers. As the headline from Hillcrest High's Green Sheet shows, Bob balanced books and sports.

Spiritual Growth: After high school Bob submitted his papers to serve a church mission and was called to Japan. He jumped in with both feet and was an outstanding teacher. At least that's the word on the street. Unfortunately, the only photographs of Bob from that time period simply show him striking poses, or dancing around his apartment in strange apparel with Christian Jacobs. When asked about this recently, Christian Jacobs responded, "What's the big deal? Some people actually earn a living jumping around in funny costumes." But Christian did more than help Bob Johns explore a budding interest in performance art, he offered him this piece of invaluable advice. "Bob, go out and live your dream, man. No matter how hard people may laugh at you...And by the way, they may laugh a little less if you lost the crazy glasses."

When Bob "returned with honor", he took Elder Jacobs advice, re-training his body and his mind to run without the "crutch" of his youth. Local colleges and universities took notice and he once again received a number of scholarship offers. The most "lucrative" being to the University of Utah which, due to his moral standards and highly refined mind, he quickly turned down. He decided instead to go to BYU without a scholarship and walk on to the track team. When asked about this decision he replied, "Well I wanted to graduate with a 4-year degree and, to be honest, I grew up thinking the University of Utah was a 2-year school. Besides that, I'd rather run for free at The Y than get paid to do so at 'The U'."

At BYU he walked on to the track team and became a "Harrier". He knew that he had reached the collegiate high life when he got his first pair of warm ups.

Shortly thereafter, he met, and subsequently woo-ed his wife Kristin (who most people will readily admit is way out of his league). It should be noted, however, that when she first saw him, Bob was actually wearing the team warm ups and Kristin only had a view of him from the back. When asked about this, Kristin admitted that although she was initially swayed by the magical powers of the collegiate warm ups, it was Bob's dedication to Track & Field, scholastics, and spiritual growth that really sealed the deal. With Kristin by his side, the possibilities seemed endless, and life was full of wonder. An attitude that Bob continues to adopt

to this day.

And thus, we salute you, Bob Johns. You are one heck of a man, and one heck of a competitor. May your life, and dedication to athletic excellence continue to be an inspiration to us all.

Triathlon Quotables

Below are a few recent quotes gathered from FV3 Triathlon Participants:

"No, you can't sit on my handle bars"
- Mindy Stewart (to her husband during a FV3 Triathlon "training" session)

"Our dad swims faster than your dad."
- McCraney kids (speaking to the Jacobs children)

"Ya? Well our mom swims faster than your dad."
- Jacobs kids (responding to the McCraney children)

"Daddy, why is mommy swimming with the ruddies instead of coming to the movies with us?"
- Kai Shintaku

"Alfred Tennyson was right... we, as people, are a part of everyone we have met. It just so happens that I've met many, many extremely talented, intelligent and beautiful people."
- Bob Johns (during FV3 Triathlon Player Profile Interview)

The Ruddy Report

Be it known to one and all...

1. Maddy Johnson has beaten Bishop Johnson's time in the pool (we expect the same of Gabby, Jessie and Hyrum)
   
2. Jillyn Huffmire and Mindy Stewart are long-term members of a spin class
3. Bob Johns does not plan to wait for Beau this year
4. Beau McCraney will be so far ahead of Bob this year, Bob won't have a chance to wait
5. Tori Shintaku's bruised ego and sore hand will be healed in time for T-Day
   

As more information is gleaned there will be more to come.

2008 Likelihoods

The FV3 Actuarial Team has published the following items with percentage likelihoods:

Two men will hold hands to cross the finish line as "co-winners"

• 12.7%

Bob "I could have won alone if i wanted to" Johns will resort to manscaping

• 13.0%

Shanna "Surf my Wake" Jacobs will win the swim leg

• 92.4%

Brett "Mammy Loves Short'nin Bread" Stewart's high school swim will return to surprise the leading male competitors

• 50.4%

Mindy "I Breath, I Win" Stewart will punch a fellow contestant

• 78.9%

Kaz "Stretchy Pants" Augustus will buy a new bike after losing to bike leg to Ritchie "yes this is a Cervelo" Blake.

• 83.4%

Team Ruddy will allow Julie Merrill to return after she crushes other Ruddies in the triathlon

• 31.1%

Tad "Call me Hercules" Baltzer will wear strechy pants

• 93.4%

Team Richardson will outnumber all other competitors combined

• 64.7%

Bishop "This is participative, not competitive" Johnson will be defeated by his daughter, Maddy "Ya, I'll probably let him win" Johnson.

• 98.3%

Kent "Do I have to lose to my Boss?" Howe will lose to his boss.

• 103.4%

Paul "Plaid is the new Black" Hafen will promote Kent Howe for no apparent reason.

• 68.0%

Randy "I'll do it myself this year" Kendrick will do it himself.

• 45.7%

First Leg

According to the FV3 Triathlon Answers Committee (FV3TAC), the swim should be the easiest part of the race; participants swim knowing that 2/3 of the race is to follow. For those whose swim could use some help we offer the following:

2008 FV3 Triathlon Swim:
30 laps of the Green Valley Pool... 2,250 feet... 750 yards... .43 Miles

The following training routine will get you to a mile swim. Being able to swim a mile will make the FV3 Triathlon swim a nice smooth leg...

ZERO to 1650 in Six Weeks
Young or old, fit or not, six weeks seems to be the most common length of time it takes to be able to swim a mile without stopping for breath. It requires three times per week and the willingness to be somewhat uncomfortable while stretching your aerobic capability. Like a scar forms in response to a wound, as a muscle enlarges to meet new demands, so does our ability to absorb oxygen. If we methodically increase our need, our body kindly responds. The amount of discomfort should be small, but it is necessary to pant a bit at the end of each effort and only partially recover before beginning another. The number of breaths taken before continuing I guarantee will not seem enough. I also promise you'll be surprised that you are able to continue much more easily than you imagined. The feeling of not having adequate rest is necessary to improve.

WEEK one (Three Days):
100 yards...rest for 12 breaths...do 4 times
50 yards...rest for 8 breaths...do 4 times
25 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 4 times
total: 700 yards

WEEK two:
200 yards...rest for 12 breaths... do 1 time
100 yards...rest for 10 breaths...do 4 times
50 yards...rest for 6 breaths...do 4 times
25 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 4 times
total: 900 yards

WEEK three:
400 yards...rest for 12 breaths...do 1 time
100 yards...rest for 8 breaths...do 4 times
50 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 6 times
25 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 4 times
total: 1250 yards

WEEK four:
600 yards...rest for 10 breaths...do 1 time
300 yards...rest for 8 breaths...do 1 time
100 yards...rest for 6 breaths...do 4 times
50 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 4 times
total: 1500 yards

WEEK five:
1000 yards...rest for 8 breaths...do 1 time
100 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 4 times
50 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 4 times
total: 1600 yards

WEEK six (days 1 and 2):
1200 yards...rest for 6 breaths...do 1 time
200 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 1 time
100 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 1 time
50 yards...rest for 4 breaths...do 3 times

(day 3)
1650 yards straight...do 1 time
total: 1650 yards!

FV3 Triathlon Volunteering

In 1594 a French woman made a simple decision that would revolutionize the world. She made it after hearing about an event organized by neighbors to test their athletic abilities and physical endurance that she didn't want to participate in. Instead of sleeping in on the day of the event she offered to help. Her name: Voluntaire... The English translation... Volunteer.

We thank those who have signed up to help with the triathlon to date:

• Liz Larson
  
• Coanne Cubete
• Dee Schonle
• Sonia Salvador
• La Fuga
• Linda Elsner
• Emily Greathouse (a race day decision)
• Renee Edington
• Robin Costello
• Promise Costello
• Jim Costello
• Chad Larson
• The Missionaries
  

Triathlon: A Financial Matter

For one post we would like to suspend the trivial nature of this blog to draw attention to a serious matter concerning the 2nd Annual FV3 Triathlon. It has come to our attention that many participants are putting triathlon purchases before living essentials. Reports have varied from trading a car for a "wicked sweet" tri-bike to changing babies into "rinsed out" pampers to save for new stretchy pants.

The FV3 Triathlon on a Dime (FV3-TOAD) committee has been formed to help participants make good purchasing decisions. Their first official statement has been issued in the form of internet video. To view click here and press play.

New swimsuit could break FV3 Triathlon records

The following was found by FV3TP Curtis Huffmire...

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, California (AP) -- The Speedo LZR Racer swimsuit is making such a splash in the pool that Bishop Johnson believes every record in the sport could fall at the Second Annual Fountain Valley Memorial Day Triathlon.

Since the suit was unveiled in February, twenty-three triathlon world records have been set. The new Speedo suit has been worn in all but one of the 23 records.

The FV3 Triathlon's world governing body (FV3-TWGB), chaired by Timmy T. "my foot still hurts" Templin, decided last weekend not to ban the new high-tech suit, despite claims of buoyancy and "technological doping" by some critics (Beau "Russian Sub" McCraney).

"I wouldn't be surprised to see every world record broken at the Triathlon, and hopefully I'll get one of those," said Bishop Johnson, one of the most outspoken supporters of the new swimsuit.

NASA and battle star gallactica each had a hand in designing the LZR, and Speedo claims it makes swimmers go two percent faster.

"They say that the suit is rocket science, but the stats are not rocket science," Johnson said. "The proof is in the pool."

Johnson said he will go so far as to recommend that every member of the FV3 Ward wear the Speedo suit during training in April and May -- even if they are sponsored by another company.

"I would strongly advise them to wear the suit during training, or they may end up at home watching on the blog," Johnson said. "Do you go for the money or for the gold? These athletes have been dreaming about winning the FV3 Triathlon for more than a year now and nobody can afford to give up two percent."

Four prominent members of the ward are sponsored by Nike -- Kaz "I don't need no stinkin' swimsuit" Augustus, Mindy "I train upstream at the River" Stewart, Ritchie "sign me up for another" Blake and Jeff "why train?" Farr.

The Richardson and McCraney Clans wear "Arena" and teams Bell and Kendrick use "Mizuno" swimwear.

The Fountain Valley 3rd Ward Triathlon Equipment Review Committee (FV3-TERC), chaired by Jen "I'm putting Paul in a Speedo" Hafen, met with the other swimsuit manufacturers on Saturday, and there are no plans to ban the LZR. According to Hafen, "the other companies are clearly behind."

"I feel very sorry for them," Hafen said. "Get with it."

Bob "really, I'm not racing again" Johns -- the new head coach for McCraneys -- has said wearing the LZR amounts to "technological doping."

Beau "Russian Sub" McCraney, who has won 17 medals and was a co-champion in First Annual FV3 Triathlon, said something needs to be changed "right away."

"It's not a matter of technology," McCraney said. "The matter is one suit has much more flotation. If I were to go out there in a scuba suit it wouldn't be fair either. There's something not right about it.

"It has to be fair for everyone."

McCraney is using a new Arena suit that was supposed to compete with the LZR, but he said it hasn't changed much.

"I have the new one, but it's just lighter than the old one," McCraney said.

Ginny "watch your back" Richardson, another prominent competitor wearing Arena, agreed.

"We're at a big disadvantage," she said. "I think we all need to have the same (type of) suit at the Triathlon, and Arena is working on it. But they've got to hurry. We're behind."

In an open letter published in Friday's editions of the Fountain Valley View, Bruce "the pen is mightier" Richardson called for "urgent" action due to the "firestorm of publicly expressed concern" over the new suits.

Richardson said the sport faces an "irrecoverable loss of credibility, just a few months before the Triathlon."

"As a consequence, a reliable and transparent analysis of these materials, as well as a careful assessment of approval procedures, is urgent," Richardson wrote. "Such action is in the supreme interest of the sport."

The letter was dated the day before FV3TERC issued a statement saying it will not ban the suits because there is no scientific evidence supporting claims of buoyancy.

Speedo is a top sponsor of FedEx's olympic and triathlon athletes and Bishop Johnson made his comments while wearing a polo shirt emblazoned with Speedo's logo.

"I'm not saying this just because they pay part of my salary," Johnson said. "I'm all about performance and I believe in the product."

Madeline "Dad hooked me up" Johnson used the LZR to set a world record in the "keep the ball away from the old guys" tournament on Saturday at the Greenbrook pool.

"It's definitely good for the sport but the bottom line is you still have to swim hard," Madeline said. "All suits for me are mental."

Good luck to all participants!

[See also, http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/04/11/lzr.record.breaking.ap/index.html ]

2008 Triathlon Legs

The 2008 FV3 Triathlon will follow the following schedule:

Swim: 30 Lengths (.43 Miles)
Multiple Heats at Green Valley swimming pool (off of Slater between Euclid and Brookhurst). The first heat will start at 7:00 am with subsequent heats every 20-30 minutes.

Bike: 12.2 Miles
Will follow the same course as 2007. Take the River Trail from
Green Valley to PCH (via River Trail)
West on PCH to Newland (R)
North to Trinity River (R)
Drop Bike at Bishop Johnson's house

Run: 3.1 Miles through Greenbrook
See Run map in left column for details.

2007 Triathlon Slideshow

The Triathlon - Endurance Sport, or Love Story?

Due to the unusual amount of couple participation this year, we here at the FV3 Triathlon Blog Support Staff Headquarters (FV3TBSSH) decided to take a closer look at this thing called love. Our goal? To determine what it is about the FV3 Triathlon that seems to either unite (or divide) married couples as effectively as any clergyman, trained family counselor, or divorce attorney ever could hope to do.

We began at the beginning, with Newlyweds Kristin (formerly Holmstrom) and new hubby Adam Bunker. When asked to describe their training process, the couple jumped at the chance to mutually praise one another for their outstanding support. Kristin described their pre-morning workout process, which includes a healthy breakfast, a slide-show of former athletic victories, and an inspiring devotional all prepared with love and thoughtfulness by Adam, her eternal companion. Adam responded with ready emotion, and a slight blush, stating that Kristin often places adorable notes in his lunch sack expressing sentiments such as, "Win or lose, you'll always be my Triathlete." Needless to say, these two seem as attached to the FV3 Triathlon as they are to each other.

Moving on to more "seasoned" competitors, we managed to catch Jillyn Huffmire as she rushed out the door for her early morning run. When asked how she thought her husband Curtis Huffmire might perform this year, she seemed startled and replied, "Curt's doing the Triathlon again? Wow...Is there a spirit award, or something?" Next, we approached the home of Paul and Jen Hafen, only to be informed (rather rudely) that the Hafens training sessions were "closed" to outsiders, that they did not wish to be interviewed for this blog, and that the only "couple" crossing the finish line first this year would be themselves. When pressed further, they did declare that yes, there would still be hand-holding when said first place winners crossed said finish line because Jen thought, "That was so sweet last year, wasn't it?" Unfortunately, this was the last bit of information obtained by our team before the door was slammed shut in our faces. We received a much warmer reception at the Johnsons home, where we were told that Angela would NOT be competing against her husband on the open field of battle this year, nor does she have any plans to do so in the future. When asked why, she replied, "I stopped competing against that guy when I crushed him in bowling 18 years ago." Fair enough.

At this point, our interest turned to the plight of those who, for whatever reason, are forced to go it alone in their quest for victory in the FV3 Annual Triathlon. Tori Shintaku kept a steely countenance when pressed about her husband's seeming lack of spousal support, "All I need from Tosh is his road bike, and his silence." After this statement was made, we could hear loud laughter from the direction of the Shintaku's garage, and noted that Tori's left eye began to twitch. We came to the conclusion that training alone has its definite downside. To Tori, and all her kind, we salute you. As for other "Triath-a-loners", like Kaz Augustus, their situation does not necessarily indicate a disinterest on the part of their loved ones. When asked why Shelley has chosen once again to forgo competing in this year's Triathlon, she replied, "When would I have time to make the 'Team Augustus' t-shirts? Or write the victory speech? Who's going to strategically place the children along the race route to trash talk the competitors?" Who, indeed. Kaz Augustus, you are a lucky, lucky man.

For one final look at love in this season of Triathlon competition we turned to Liz and Chad Larson, who have both chosen NOT to compete in this year's event. Liz explained the decision with the following statement, "Triathlons take a special mixture of patience, dedication, endurance, and commitment...we're just not into that." Chad quickly added, "Yeah, and that's what makes this marriage work."

After this exchange, we thought it appropriate to turn to the Richardsons (which is what we typically do when we're confused) to ask for their thoughts on marriage and triathlon training in general. Bruce Richardson offered up one of the sagest pieces of advice yet heard in regards to the matter. He said, "About two weeks before the event, I make it a rule not to eat anything my wife places in front of me unless I've watched her prepare it from start to finish. That woman is a fierce competitor, nothing, and I mean nothing is beneath her...I ask my children who have chosen to participate to follow my example, and watch their backs." To the Richardson clan, and all other FV3 Annual Triathlon competitors, our prayers are with you.

2008 T-Shirt Design

All participants in the 2008 FV3 Triathlon will be receiving a t-shirt for their participation (with a small fee to cover the cost).

Following the urging of Triathlon Participant, Michael Richardson, the Triathlon Design Committee (FV3-TDC) is excited to announce a T-Shirt design contest! It is open to everyone with time and interest in the t-shirt design.

The winner will:

1. Have his/her design used on this years t-shirts
2. Have a picture taken with this years winner (or participant of his/her choosing)
3. Be given a prestigious design contract Crash Co Design

All designs should be submitted to Paul and Jen Hafen by May 10, 2008.

Noticeably Absent

Noticeably absent from the 2008 FV3 Triathlon Signup List are last year’s “co-winners”: Bob “Sandbag” John’s and Beau “Soviet Sub” Mc Craney.

But, the FV3 Triathlon Research Committee (FV3-TRC) has learned that each is following an established training routine:

Bob “Deny it All” Johns spends 45 minutes a day training and 55 minutes a day denying that he is training. He has even gone so far to suggest that he “might” participate but it will be for fun and likely will bike on a “beach cruiser”. Many will remember the same statements were made this time last year, right before the body-shave and co-victory.

Beau “Under the Radar” Mc Craney has been seen in LA Fitness morning, noon and night. Recently the night manager gave him a key and asked that he “lock up” on his way out. Young children now bring body boards to the pool to surf the wave like wake created from his swim. His wife has started training for the triathlon in order to get time with him.

Will the brotherly love continue? Will the Soviet Sub be able to get a big enough lead to hold off the expected "6 minute miles" from Sandbag? Only time will tell.

Triathlon Awards

Due to a large number of requests that "Everyone win something", the FV3 Triathlon Awards Committee (FV3-TAC) has released the following statement...

The 2nd Annual FV3 Triathlon will include winners in the following categories:


Best Overall Time: The person with the lowest combined times of swimming, biking and running

• Expected Male Winner: Bob "The Sandbag" Johns
• Expected Female Winner: Mindy "Call me Bruce" Stewart or Elizabeth Miller
• Dark Horse: Ritchie "Yes, this is a Cervelo" Blake / Jillyn "Mindy Who?" Huffmire

Best Overall Team Time: The team with the lowest combined times of swimming, biking and running

• Expected Winner: Team Kendrick
• Dark Horse: The Ruddies

Best Swim Time: The person with the fastest swim time

• Expected Male Winner: Beau "The Soviet Sub" Mc Craney
• Exected Female Winner: Shanna "Beau wishes he could swim like this" Jacobs
• Dark Whale: Brett "Mammy loves short'nin bread" Stewart

Best Bike Time: The person with the fastest bike time

• Expected Male Winner: Kaz "Stretchy Pants" Augustus
• Exected Female Winner: Mindy "I run and pull the bike" Stewart
• Dark Wheel: Ritchie "Did I mention this is a Cervelo?" Blake

Best Run Time: The person with the fastest run time

• Expected Male Winner: Bob "Six Minute Mile" Johns
• Exected Female Winner: Mindy "Bob who?" Stewart
• Dark Shoe: Jesse "8 foot stride" Walker

Other "Non-Winner" awards include:


Most Improved: The person with the biggest improvement from last year

• Expected Winner: Curt "Jillyn's going Down" Huffmire
• Dark Horse: Bruce "I'm not waiting for my kids this time" Richardson

Most Unexpected Finisher

• Expected Winner: John "Locke'd & Loaded" Ziebarth
• Dark Horse: Erica "I had a baby last week" Wilker

Spirit Award: The happiest loser

• Expected Winner: Brett "How many laps was that?" Greathouse
• Dark Horse: Kent "I don't need to train" Howe

Best Purchase Award: The person who made the best off-season Triathlon Purchase

• Expected Winner: Bishop "Technically, I didn't buy it" Johnson
• Dark Horse: Michael "Beach Cruiser for my mom" Richardson

Best Coordination Award: The competitor with the best coordinated outfit.

• Expected Winner: Jen Hafen
• Dark Horse: Paul Hafen
• Bonus Award: Jen & Paul Hafen for most coordinated couple.
  

Red Dolphie Award: The competitor with the brightest red dolphin shorts

• Expected Winner: Bishop Johnson
• Dark Horse: None

Congrats on Being a Man Winner: The person who wore a speedo in 2007 and didn't in 2008

• Expected Winner: Beau Mc Craney
• Dark Horse: None

2008 Easy Training Schedule

Week 1 (April 28-May 4)

• Monday and Thursday: Swimming
  Begin with a 5-minute continuous warm-up (your choice of stroke). Then swim 10 50-yard laps with 20 to 40 seconds recovery between. The entire workout should be at low intensity. One longer swim (15 50-yard laps with a 5-minute cool down) can be substituted for the first few weeks.
  
• Tuesday and Friday: Running
  Ease into running to reduce risk of injury. The objective is not distance, but time (walk if you need to). Run 15 minutes on both days.
  
• Wednesday and Saturday: Bicycling
  The objective of your first few weeks of bike training is to build your aerobic base. Workouts are not for distance, but time. Complete a 20-minute easy ride on Thursday and 30-minute easy ride on Sunday.
  
• Take Sunday off
  

Week 2 (May 5-11)

• Monday and Thursday: Swimming
  5-minute warm-up. Swim 14 50-yard laps with 20 to 30 seconds recovery between. Low intensity.
  
• Tuesday and Friday: Running
  Run or walk 15 minutes on Wednesday and 20 minutes on Saturday.
  
• Wednesday and Saturday: Bicycling
  30-minute easy ride on Thursday and 30-minute easy ride on Sunday.
  
• Take Sunday off
  

Week 3 (May 12-18)

• Monday and Thursday: Swimming
  5-minute warm-up. Swim 10 75-yard laps with 30 to 40 seconds recovery between. Low intensity.
  
• Tuesday and Friday: Running
  Run or walk 20 minutes on both days.
  
• Wednesday and Saturday: Bicycling
  30-minute easy ride on Thursday and 40-minute medium intensity ride on Sunday.
  
• Take Sunday off
  

Week 4 (May 19-25)

• Monday and Thursday: Swimming
  5-minute warm-up. Swim 12 75-yard laps with 30 to 40 seconds recovery between. Medium intensity.
  
• Tuesday and Friday: Running
  Run or walk 20 minutes on Wednesday and 25 minutes Saturday.
  
• Wednesday and Saturday: Bicycling
  40-minute easy ride on Thursday and 40-minute medium intensity ride on Sunday.
  
• Take Sunday off
  

May 26 - Compete

Joke of the Day

What do you call 3 blonds who race the Bishop around the block?

1st Place Finisher
2nd Place Finisher
3rd Place Finisher

Stewarts Dueling Training Regiments

Brett Stewart, not wanting to follow in the footsteps of his brother-in-law (the unfortunate Curtis Huffmire) has entered the 2nd Annual FV3 Triathlon with one goal only...to defeat his own wife in open competition. To do this, he believes, will take an unconventional approach. An approach that begins with an overpowering swim performance. A swim rarely seen beyond the depths of the great blue sea. A swim like that of his childhood idol, Willie the Operatic Whale.

To see his training routine, click the link below and fast forward to view from 3:30 to 4:20 minutes.



Mindy Stewart, on the other hand, expects to win on her innate athletic ability, killer instinct, and never-say-die mentality. Rather than "wasting" her time swimming, biking and running she focuses on the mental toughness needed to drive a win. Her expectation is to "Bruce Lee" the competition: (the FV3 Tri Bloggers recommend viewing only a portion of the below video as Mindy Stewart is the only person with the constitution to watch it's entirety.)

Two Lives, One Triathlete

You don't need 20/20 hindsight to see some of the individual benefits from the First Annual FV3 Triathlon. One such example is participant 116, Rico Gubernick.

1. Receding Hairline
2. Party Ball
   
3. Dodgeball Shorts

1. Hairline: Regrown.
   
2. Party Ball: Gone.
3. Dodgeball Shorts: Replaced.
4. Interest from Females: Significant.

Sign Up for the 2008 Triathlon

Sign up now for the 2nd Annual FV3 Triathlon by clicking the "Click to Sign up for the 2008 FV3 Triathlon" link to the left.

The 2nd Annual FV3 Triathlon Event

Like the groundhog's shadow, the return of Bob Johns and Beau McCraney's body hair means the beginning of a new day... That's right, it's time to start training for the 2nd Annual FV3 Triathlon.

Many remember the emotional finish of last years winners. The story has been told and retold in Sunday School lessons across the Stake. How two brothers finished 1st together, hand in hand. Many of those who saw it will never forget the day.

This year will build on the first. The Triathlon is scheduled for Memorial Day (May 26, 2008).